Tonight, it feels as if I’m having a revelation. A moment of intense reflection. Looking back over my last couple of years. Proud of growth and steps of faith, but also realizing how much I hold onto thinking my life “should” look different; conventional, if you will. It’s as if there are areas of my life where I continue to live in the box of the “shoulds.” 

Over the past years I’ve had to learn to live a life differently than one I’ve ever known, or expected. However, as I sang in my kitchen with my son tonight, Valentine’s evening, something just rested over me: There is nothing conventional about my life. Nothing. So, what layers do I need to shed as I feel invited into the next phase of whatever this unconventional life offers me, and my little family? What are the thoughts that I need to start letting go of that cause stress, tension, doubt in myself, etc.?

Here’s a few: 

Dinners are supposed to look a certain way. 

You work between 9 and 5.

Conversations with your child are supposed to go a certain way

Connection with said child is supposed to look like… 

Welp, here I am on Valentine’s evening, enjoying my time immensely. My boo is working, and while I haven’t had a valentine in a good while, I got Isaiah a silly drink that he’s been looking at in the Meijer checkout aisle for forever. We spent the late afternoon making soup, and having a dance party while cooking and doing puzzles.

Here’s part of my revelation. Logically, I’ve known Isaiah has had autism for a good while now. I’ve heard myself repeat what I’ve learned over the last couple of years, recognizing tonight some areas where my head and my heart have yet to align. I’ve talked about believing differently about autism than many believe. I’ve advocated creating spaces for him to have his niches fed, that he needs to feel as if he belongs and that his differences are a benefit, that he needs to learn in ways that connect with him. 

That word – connect. 

The revelation, or deeper understanding, came today as I simply stood in the kitchen and accepted that Isaiah communicates differently than others. He has niches, he’s goofy and lively, he feels strongly, he speaks and we don’t always understand what he’s saying. He’s so smart and capable, and I think today is the day that I move on from thinking that my relationship with my son needs to look like other mothers and sons at this age. We can’t communicate much about our days, or do what many kids can do yet, so sometimes dinners and other moments are filled with silence, and I wonder what’s happening in that head of his. 

But lately, we’ve been throwing on Spotify and going to my “Random Likes” playlist. I’ve been learning how much Isaiah has been listening to my music (for better or for worse). He’s started singing along, making up his own dance moves, requesting certain songs (with his version of the titles), and being adamant about whether or not he likes a song. Many songs end up being “my faborite!!”

Tonight we got home and I had my mind set on making a soup, and he didn’t need anymore screen time. So, he joined me and said, “Mom, you cook. I do my puzzle. OK?!” We threw on the speaker and over the course of the next couple of hours, connected through my “Random Likes” playlist. We turned the volume up, got into every mood of every song, and sang our hearts out. We had many moments of hugs and “I love you’s.” We giggled, he asked for help with his puzzle a few times, but the best of all – he allowed his personality to totally come out. We had a blast this Valentine’s evening as we listened to: Fleetwood Mac, Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee, James Bay, Alessia Cara, Queen Jaija and Chandler Moore, Billie Myers, Francis and the Lights, Tal Bachman, Kendrick Lamar, Lifehouse, K Camp, Sia, Midnight Oil, T. Swift, Matchbox Twenty, Maxwell, Leon Bridges…you get the picture. 

Last weekend I told my friend Katie that I feel like my love for music is resurfacing. I think a huge part of that is due to Isaiah and how I observe him tuning in along with my appreciation of how my man seems to know all things music and always has to play DJ. Tonight I’m feeling immense gratitude that this is the way that I get to connect with my son. 

These are the moments where what I hear coming out of my mouth takes a deeper root in how I manage my home life. Letting go of, and letting in, the moments that allow me to live deeper into each moment as I appreciate what the life “unconventional” has to offer.

Happy Day after Valentine’s Day!!